Why Do I Feel Guilty Spending Money on Myself?

I bought myself a Van Cleef bracelet. Then Cartier. Then a pair of Oakley glasses. All within a few days.

And instead of simply enjoying the things I worked hard enough to buy, I started questioning myself. Did I really need this? Was that irresponsible? Should I return it? What else could I have done with that money?

The funny thing is, I don’t seem to have this same internal crisis when I’m spending money on my children. If my daughters need clothes, shoes, school supplies, or something that makes their lives easier, I never think twice. Even when it comes to their wants, I can almost always find a reason to justify the purchase.

They’ve been doing so well.

They deserve it.

I want them to have experiences.

They’re only little once.

But when it comes to me?

Suddenly, I’m the Chief Financial Officer. 😂

I need receipts, projections, a risk assessment, and apparently a full congressional hearing before I can buy something beautiful simply because I like it.

And lately, I’ve been asking myself why.

Maybe It’s Not About the Money

The more I think about it, the more I’ve realized something uncomfortable.

I don’t feel guilty spending money. I feel guilty spending money when I am the beneficiary.

Somewhere along the way, I think I started measuring good motherhood by how much of myself I was willing to give away. My time, my energy, my body, my sleep, my money, and sometimes even my wants.

If something benefited my daughters, it felt responsible. If it benefited me, it felt indulgent.

I don’t think I’m the only mom who has lived this way, especially as a single mom. When you’re the person responsible for keeping everything moving, money starts to feel like more than money. Money is safety. It’s the mortgage. It’s groceries. It’s school. It’s the emergency fund. It’s the broken appliance, the car problem, or whatever other surprise life decides to throw at you on a random Tuesday.

So even when life becomes more stable, there’s still a voice in your head saying:

Save it.

Hold onto it.

You might need it later.

I Am No Longer in Survival Mode, But Sometimes I Still Spend Like I Am

This is something I’ve been slowly realizing about myself.

My life has changed. I have changed.

I’ve lost over 100 pounds. I bought a brand new home as a single mom. I’ve reached educational and professional milestones that, at one point in my life, probably felt impossibly far away. I’ve worked hard to build stability for myself and my daughters.

On paper, there are so many signs that I am no longer living in the same season I once was.

But sometimes my mind hasn’t caught up.

There is still a part of me waiting for something to go wrong. A part of me that believes I need to prepare for the next emergency before it even exists. A part of me that feels strangely safest when I’m sacrificing because sacrifice is familiar.

Maybe that’s why buying something beautiful for myself can feel so uncomfortable.

The bracelet isn’t the problem. Cartier isn’t the problem. The glasses aren’t the problem.

The guilt is telling me something deeper.

I’m still learning how to live in a life I once prayed for.

The Bracelet Made Me Think About My Daughters

I have two daughters, and whether I realize it or not, they’re watching me learn how to be a woman.

They’re watching how I speak about my body and how I handle money. They’re watching me pursue my dreams. They’re watching how I respond when life gets hard. They’re also watching how I treat myself.

That matters to me.

I don’t want my daughters to grow into women who believe everyone they love deserves beautiful things except them. I don’t want them to believe exhaustion is proof of love or that sacrifice is the only language of motherhood.

Of course, I want them to be responsible. I want them to save, understand money, build wealth, and make wise financial decisions.

But I also want them to understand something I’m only now beginning to learn myself:

Responsibility and enjoyment can exist in the same life.

You can prepare for the future and enjoy today. You can provide for your children and occasionally choose yourself. You can build wealth and still buy something beautiful.

Those things do not automatically contradict each other.

Maybe I’m Learning How to Receive

Motherhood has made me incredibly comfortable giving. I give love, money, time, encouragement, and pieces of myself without always thinking about it.

Receiving is harder.

Apparently, even when I’m the person giving something to myself.

Maybe that’s part of the work I’m doing in this season. I’m learning how to receive peace without waiting for chaos. I’m learning how to experience stability without immediately preparing to lose it. I’m learning how to own beautiful things without calculating how much guilt I should attach to them.

Most importantly, I’m learning that I don’t have to constantly deprive myself to prove I’m a good mother.

That’s a hard belief to unlearn.

But I’m trying.

So, Yes. I’m Keeping the Bracelet.

I bought the bracelet. I bought the Cartier. I bought the Oakleys.

And yes, I’m still learning how to enjoy them without mentally creating a spreadsheet of all the more “responsible” things I could have done with the money.

I’m a work in progress. 😂

But here’s what I’m beginning to believe: my daughters do not need to watch me disappear in order to know that I love them.

They can watch me provide. They can watch me save and build. They can watch me make responsible decisions for our future.

And every once in a while, they can watch Mommie choose herself too.

So, yes.

I’m keeping the bracelet. ♡

Love,
Brie